The Beginning of Marriage
Hearts swell with pride and hopes of the future. Beautiful smiles are permanently affixed to the corners of eager lips. Eyes are glued to the dazzling dress cupping the form of the bride and the possessive grip of the groom’s arms as he finally legally declares his right to a life-long partnership. Everyone loves happy endings. Everyone loves the idea of marriage. But not often enough are you ever warned of the secrets that come after you declare before God and man, “Till death do us part.”
God has always been clear about the standard of all things that is good and righteous. God is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 says, “Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep account of a wrong suffered. It does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with truth.” After reading this definition of love, can you say with certainty that you love enough to say, “Till death do us part?”
Well, perhaps. But in Jamaica, we say, “Mouth mek fi talk.” This simply means it’s easy to say anything even when doing it is difficult or impossible.
Marriage is a blessing and carries with it, happiness that a single person will never be able to enjoy. It goes through stages and starts as a delicate newborn baby. With care, it matures into adulthood and becomes strong and dependable. Let’s examine some truths and secrets.
The Woman—the Wife—the Misunderstanding
In the 21st century, women are no longer confined at home but can become more independent. Unfortunately, some women are forced to adorn the role of both man and woman causing the lines of roles to be blurred. The equality in role swapping is so great now that the distinction has become, ‘birthing person’. At this point, with men becoming women and women becoming men, even that term will become confusing.
“An excellent wife, who can find her? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of his life.”
Proverbs 31:10-12
The mistake here is to assume that the bible was saying a good woman has no voice and no presence. This perspective is steeped in culture rather than truth. By nature we are nurturers but housewife duties are not our only place to provide support. A good wife holds the role of a manager, an assistant or a secretary. There is nothing wrong with serving in such a capacity! This is not to say those who strive to be leaders and must yield their position to men. However, in your dealings with men, remember that your roles remain the same. Careful not to flaunt it.
Our mistake is in assuming that a woman’s independence is equivalent to overthrowing a man. Let’s be careful not to contribute to emasculating our men. The entire passage suggests that the woman will work to ensure that her family is properly cared for. Therefore, being a 21st-century business-orientated woman is no excuse for disregarding the qualities of a good woman.
The Secrets
Your Husband Won’t Be Your Only Confidante:
Contrary to popular belief. You can’t always tell your husband everything you feel. It’s not that you are keeping secrets and please don’t think it means you must bring everyone’s opinions into your marriage. There are times when he simply will not or cannot understand your perspective and you’ll need help. So, if there comes a time when you talk to someone else about your challenges in marriage, please don’t feel like you betrayed him. Suffering in silence is unwise and there will be consequences. There is much to learn from the mistakes. Take advantage of that and identify a confidante.
Your confidante does not need to be your best friend, mother or sister. Unless they are objective it is unwise as their responses will be riddled with biases. As I Christian woman, I say, choose wisely, try the spirit as the scripture says and select a Godly confidante. When you are in trouble, God provides a means to escape. He will guide you to the confidante you need to aid you and guide your course of action or unpack your burdens. A God-fearing confidante will not only have your best interest at heart but God’s will at heart. If God is in it, it’s impossible to get bad advice.
Fix it all by talking it out:
While it is true that communication does the trick, in reality, communicating is very difficult. In my opinion, talking is one of the most misleading forms of communication. If you haven’t already developed superb listening skills you can quickly misunderstand what is being said. The Sender, Encoding, Message, Medium, Decoding and the Receiver are integral to the process. If there are interruptions at any of these points the message can be miscommunicated. Most of us are thorough in the message we want to communicate but forget about all the other parts of the process. However, if we consider the other fascets we will be open to trying other means besides just talking.
In my experience, I have had to diversify my medium, the sender, reconstruct the message and modify the message itself multiple times to get the desired response. We must be sensitive to the emotions at the time of interaction and know that silence can also be a response. A soft answer turns away wrath, I recommend, in most cases, the gentle approach.
The Power of Prayer:
Be confident in the knowledge that marriage was instituted by God. It’s something God agrees with and wants for his people. That is why 1 Corinthians 7:9 says, “But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Remember that nothing happens in life without God’s consent. Know therefore that trials will come especially in marriage. From a spiritual perspective, the battle for marriage rages because the adversary wants it to be destroyed. This is why it has become normal and acceptable for a man and a woman to be in a relationship without ever being married. It is also why most of the troubles seem to bombard couples only after they have accepted the binding oath.
I am a very private and cautious person. As such, I seek help from others only after I’ve exhausted my arsenal. Fortunately, my stash of weapons includes my faith and my immediate action of fasting and praying yielded me the needed results. The enemy will dangle ‘better’ before your eyes, you have to be careful not to bite the bate.
God needs to be at the centre of marriages because as my father always says, “A family that prays together, stays together.” The only way to know God’s will is to experience it. The only way to recognize his voice is to be enveloped in his words frequently. Seek him and you shall find because then your eyes and ears are open, looking for a sign that he is in the midst at all times.
50-50
No marriage can thrive on such a sentiment! There is no place for selfishness from either the wife or the husband but there is also a likelihood that there will be no such thing as 50-50 either. But, if you want to comfort yourself by declaring that’s how it is then feel free to do so. One day, when you’re older and wiser you’ll realize the truth. Regardless. Marriage is another site for war. You must be vigilant to guard your marriage against attacks from the enemy in the form of pride and sexual immorality among other things. The only marriage acceptable to God is the one he ordained and the one he accepts is the one that continues to strive under his law.
A marriage can only exist with the bride and the groom—the woman and the man. To be a woman that fills him with pride, one that nurtures him and is upright in all her doing. A competent woman is wise and reliable. These things may manifest in different ways but know that if they are manifesting then the man will be able to fulfill his duties. There are no mistakes in God’s design, we just misunderstand it. However, know that if your heart and mind are open to the teachings of God then whatever clarity you need will come as you continue to pursue it.
